I'm not fat I'm just possesed

I'd like to begin by introducing myself.
My name is Audin and I'm originally from Chicago.
Born and raised there. I moved to South Texas about 13 years ago.
Now I'm no stranger to the culinary arts, I'm very versatile in all foods.
But when I came to this region I discovered an array of tastes and textures.

After I got marries (Fall of 98), I began to learn more and more about cooking and such.
Did you know you can deep fry just about anything? A friend of mine and I were in his back
yard and he was going to deep fry a turkey for Thanksgiving. This was all new to me.
I never knew that you could do such a thing, and I asked him what else can you deep fry?
He began to tell me about the whole deep frying craze, and I was beside myself.

I had never even considered deep frying anything but french fries. So as the year went on I began to experiment. Needless to say my interest grew along with my waist line. I went from a 34" to a 42" faster then a bucket of chicken at Oprah's. So now came the diets.

Ahh yes the diet faze. Did you know that there over 100 diets out there for men. I tried most and failed. My weight went up and down so much I felt like an elevator. Now I was at my wits end. I tried everything including prayer. Oh lord please take these Twinkies away from me.
I even tried the Hebrew Diet, but I couldn't swallow the horse radish. Then I discovered a passage in the Bible where Jesus is talking about demon possession.

Wow, did you know about this? It says that if a person is possessed and then freed, if the person who was freed allows the demon to come back it returns, but it brings along seven more with him.
My jaw hit the ground when I read that. Think about it. What happens when you go on a diet?
You lose weight, and when you stop the diet? It comes back and then some. People do you not see what's going on here? I'm not fat I'm just possessed.

How can I prove this? What is the best way to lower your weight? Exercise.
And what is the procedure for expelling a demon? An Exorcism. Hello people, you have to exorcise the demon out. Fat people of America head down to your local church and ask for a pint of holy water and drink your pounds away. you're not fat your just possessed.

I tell you this has invaded my dreams as well. I dreamed one night that my shed pounds were looking for me, and they were handing out fliers. Have you seen this man? Suddenly a cell phone goes off and the following conversation takes place. ((Ring, Ring)) Hello, yes this is he. What's that you say he's at McDonald's having a salad? Thanks. (click) We got him fellas let's go.
Suddenly I see myself eating a salad at McDonald's with my wife when I see my fat walk in.
I hit the ground and hide under the table. My wife is perplexed. What are you doing? Get up your embarrassing me. Shhhh my fat just walked in be quiet. But it was too late.

Hey man where have you been? Uhh hi fellas. You know we haven't seen you around for a while. Uh yeah about that I'm sorry. Why are you avoiding us? We used to have some good times, right? uh I guess so. Come on what do you say we get together and have a few laughs. Look what I got here. No fellas I don't think... Oh come on you know you want it. Please fellas I can't. Look two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, and oooo cheese. My wife horrified by my ordeal begins to encourage me.

Come on honey you can beat this. I don't think I can. Sure you can, remember the teachings, resist the mac and it shall flee from you. Oh it's so hard, my spirit is willing, but my flesh is soooo weak. And just as I was about to bite into the burger, my alarm goes off and I wake up in a cold sweat. And I swear the room smelled like french fries. (To be continued)